A little astrology…

Not much holds you back, Aries, but you need to figure out the exact number of drinks that makes you intolerable, and then either stay one below it or slam some shooters to get past that level. Like Russell Crowe you are impatient, so I recommend tequila—double margueritas to start and a row of shots to get you quickly through your prick zone so you don’t start a bar fight. If there’s anybody you haven’t pissed off yet, have them join you at the bar to monitor you and order more shots if needed.

Irish Cream was invented for people like you, Taurus, and you are shameless about slurping it off others. A hedonistic glutton, you are nevertheless creative about how and where you imbibe, and you tend to stay at least half-rooted in sobriety, favoring caloric drinks to sop up some of the alcohol. You are stubbornly brand-loyal and as a result you occasionally miss out on new ways to drink.

You’re a versatile drinker, Gemini, and smart enough not to take every dare, although if someone puts a green drink in front of you there’s not much you can do to resist it. You run the gamut from appletinis to crème de menthe without a hiccup. Your split personality comes out after a few though, so try to determine which half of yourself you like better and cater drinkwise to that one, otherwise your incest-loving freak side might go tearing through the bar ordering shots for all and running out on the bill.

Intuitive and sentimental, Cancers need to be careful not to get maudlin when they drink. Choose happy, sparkly drinks like champagne and try not to pass out. You’re at your best as a sensitive friend who can listen to a few bar stories without judgment. And as you know, the more you drink, the more interesting your friends become.

Leos love the spotlight and spend a lot of time performing drunken karaoke. Anything sunny appeals to you, and the richer the better. You like to lurch around poolside with a premium rum daiquiri in each hand and nothing but a thong over your ass. People think you’re self-centered, so liquor them up and buy their love.

Where would a Virgo be without measured shot glasses? Your OCD approach to bartending guarantees that not a drop gets wasted—nor will you often get drunk without intending it. Virgos read labels about alcohol percentages and love mixing drinks with multiple ingredients as long as they don’t make a mess. Ply you with enough white wine and you release your closet intellectual. Ply you with more and you might pass out, stay over, and clean the house in the morning.

Balance is what it’s all about for Libra; you’re really good at walking in a straight line when hammered, and your winning personality keeps you from getting your face smashed in. You hate being alone so you hang out at bars every night drinking vodka with come-and-go friends. Libras get a nice intellectual boost from one or two drinks but they still love watching strippers.

Passionate, truth-seeking and sex-seeking, Scorpios revel in sensuality and roil with deep awareness, even when plastered. You devise wine lists of incomparable complexity, layering tastes like fine fragrance and plunging tasters from one experience to another, challenging them to perceive the nuances you do. Still, you’re a vengeful douche when you get drunk.

Sagittarius folk are the travelers of the drinking world, and they range far and wide in search of novelty. With dozens of craft beers in your fridge, you are the most open-minded of all drinkers. You’ll put anything in your beer: limes, lemons, carrots, whatever. You enjoy beer at inappropriate times and places, yammering about philosophy and usually naked.

The most conservative sign, Capricorns like to stick with a winning scotch when they find it, and it’s usually expensive. You turn your nose up at boxed wine, canned beer, blended scotch, and anything homemade. You are pretty funny when you throw up, though.

You are an independent thinker, Aquarius, which makes you the most innovative bartender of the zodiac. Nothing in your cabinet languishes; you find an inventive use for novelty liqueurs most of us (alcoholic bears excepted) forget about. And while shit mix is not beneath you, you generally manage to fuse something creative out of a dozen ingredients. You like to make your own Romulan ale with blue curacao…geek.

Jails are full of Pisces, and your penchant for shitfaced oblivion makes you a strong candidate. Always hand over your keys to a sober friend before embarking on your gin benders, but do take along some co-inebriates, as without their company you’re a melancholy drunk. Try not to get paranoid; not everyone is in the CIA, and even if they were, they wouldn’t be interested in some juniper-soaked lush lying on the sidewalk.