Reviews

AC/DC Beer—Enjoyed from the closet

Today my mother said I was plaguing her work life! Apparently, when she communicates via email with a certain consulting firm, her name doesn’t come up in the field—mine does! And even when she manages to banish me on her end, Liquorstore Bear still crops up for her client!

Of course I was overjoyed to hear this. It’s nice to know one’s name is getting around. But my mother has been a little short-tempered with me. So I’m doing the Right Thing and confining myself to the closet with a can of AC/DC beer. Named for one of Scarybear’s favorite bands, AC/DC beer is incredibly ordinary, if that’s not too oxymoronic for you, and delivers 5% alcohol in a grainy, light, German-style lager. So, yes, I totally love it. And even though I’d like to say more about it, nobody’s willing to do my typing.

ACDC beer

CANTERBURY DARK MILD—A gateway to dark beer (but not crack)

My Fellow Inebriates,

I love Wikipedia, and here’s why. Click now before it gets edited! If you missed it, here it is: Wikipedia’s list of Toronto mayors, the last being the notorious Rob Ford.

Rob Ford mayor copy

There’s nothing more democratic than Wikipedia. And for that, it deserves a toast. If you don’t have some crack on hand, grab a can of CANTERBURY DARK MILD from Pacific Western Brewing Company. It’s dirt-cheap (for Canada), copper-colored with tan foam lacing, a malty, earthy aroma, and a strong caramel note. The sort of beer you can pound by the dozen, CANTERBURY is certainly too sweet and possibly a little too metallic, but it does the job when you need to get loaded for just a few bucks. Perfect for people and bears who don’t prefer lager, CANTERBURY is eminently drinkable and packs a reasonable 5.3% alcohol.

Carterbury-950x420

CANTERBURY may even serve as a gateway beer for MOLSON CANADIAN enthusiasts looking to level up. It’s mild and friendly enough to pique drinkers’ curiosity about other yummy dark beers, most of which are, quite honestly, better. There’s a lot to be said for gateway substances, as Rob Ford might well agree.

MONASTERIO DE LAS VINAS (2006)—Needs no elevator pitch

My dad is considering switching industries, which means he’s been paying some overdue attention to his business speak. It occurred to him this week that he doesn’t have an “elevator pitch.” If you don’t know what an elevator pitch* is, read on, my fellow inebriates, because everyone should have one. As I said tauntingly to my dad, even I have one:

drunken little bear

advising hedonism:

party on, people

He says this is actually a haiku, but whatever, people. My dad doesn’t have an elevator pitch at all. So today I learned how to write a proper one, because I love my dad, plus I want him to bring even more liquor money home, and a good elevator pitch will help. Herewith, the five steps to writing a good elevator pitch—in this case applied to a bottle of wine.

Monasterio de las Vinas

1. Who are you?

I’m MONASTERIO DE LAS VINAS RESERVA (2006), a Spanish blend of Garnacha, Tempranillo, and Carinena, aged 12 months in oak barrels.

2. What do you do?

I exude aromas of berry and spice while leering from the decanter in a purplish way while LB’s parents make him wait to sample me. On the palate I’m full-bodied and rich with earthy notes, firm tannins, and a long finish. I’m mature without having a musty Old World character, and you can’t really beat me for $14.95.

3. Who do you do it for?

I’d like to say I appeal to all drinkers, but I don’t think hard-core alcoholics (LB excepted) are buying me very often, as they gravitate toward massive jugs of vodka and giant boxes featuring marsupials. Basically, I’m here for everybody, but if you like to spread your $14.95 more economically, you might pass me by.

4. What do they want or need?

Most wine drinkers have no idea we have hit “peak wine,” and that global demand for  wine is outstripping supply. In other words, you might be drinking wine because everybody else is. Some wine drinkers choose wine because they think beer will make them get fat or watch hockey. Some wine drinkers follow Robert Parker, who gave me 90 points, although he probably only swished me around his gums for 30 seconds or so. Drinkers like LB are thoroughly indiscriminate, so who knows? I have no idea what people want.

5. How do they change as a result?

They often get really freaking plastered, especially if they have a bottle to themselves.

Okay, so this isn’t working out exactly as I thought it would. Maybe you need to be sentient, like we are, MFI. This last statement—and I hope you’ve been following along with your own notes for this exercise, my fellow inebriates—this last statement is supposed to be the key to YOU and what you bring to the table. If you answer the five questions, you should be able to take your answer to number five—and voila! There’s your elevator pitch.

I expect my dad will be so grateful for this that he’ll buy me another bottle.

 

*I found these five steps in a Tedx talk but then foolishly cleared my cache and couldn’t retrieve it from my history. The reason I cleared my cache is that I didn’t want my dad to know I was playing Candy Crush Saga on Facebook, especially since I’ve been dissing him for playing it. And then there was all the porn too, but whatever.