gin

BROKER’S GIN—PART 8!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Do you ever feel you have a psychic connection to another person? Just yesterday I had the impulse to write to Julia Gale, Business Development Manager for BROKER’S GIN. At least three months had passed since our last contact, and I started worrying. Just before Christmas she had some knee surgery done to correct an injury sustained while busting out to the B-52s song “Love Shack.” I found myself anxious about the operation, the surgeon’s ability, and the general quality of the National Health Service.

Recently my Nana acquired a bionic knee, a procedure so painful that all she could say immediately afterward was “Ow.” (Once she got some meds in her she said things like “That knee surgery turned” and then conked out before finishing the sentence.) So I had a sense of how painful knee surgery could be and I started worrying about Julia—not just about her health but about the general state of things at BROKER’S GIN without her. Conceivably BROKER’S could be falling apart while she hit the nurse button for a double dose of morphine, and then how would any of us get any gin?

So I determined that I would write to her and, if it turned out she was in a terrible spiral of painkiller abuse, attempt to talk her off the ledge and back into the juniper-scented heaven of BROKER’S GIN.

But she’d read my mind and beaten me to it!

Greetings young LB

Are you worried that you’ve been forgotten?  Do you think that Broker’s Gin have given up on a listing in British Columbia?…

I’ll keep you updated!

Jules

Giddy at receiving this email, I sent a response:

Julia, you must be psychic! I was just drafting a letter (in my head) to you. I was getting worried about you and your knee. Just recently my Nana had knee-replacement surgery and was in tremendous pain. She had to exercise considerable strength of will to push away the pain killers. So of course I started thinking about you and your bothersome injury and the Love Shack-style gyrations that induced it. Are you recovered now? Are you off the pain meds or have they become a monkey on your back? Did the surgeon do a good job? I was a bit worried because I know your health care system is similar to ours…you wait a very long time and then sometimes the doctor smells like scotch, but not having to pay is nice.

Anyway, I hope you are well. I hope Martin and Andy visited you in hospital and brought you a flask plus a hefty salary increase.

Did you have an actual knee replacement or something less invasive? I do know something about having foreign objects in one’s body–my ass is full of dried lentils. Just imagine, if there’s ever a famine my family might be tempted to rip my backside open to find soup ingredients. And then I’d have a sagging behind, just like those teenage guys you see slouching down the street with their pants slung impossibly low so the crotch is at the knees and you get the impression that some waist-mounted dwarf is working the controls. Just recently I saw a posse of these dudes in orbit around an attractive teenage girl who was texting purposefully as she walked and thoroughly oblivious of all the falling pants around her. In the space of two minutes I saw each lad yank up his ill-fitting jeans at least once.

So if I lost my lentils, my rear end would look like that. The difference is that it would be naked.

Do you ever get drunk on beer, Julia, or just gin? I recently tried a beer that’s brewed much closer to you than me: Innis & Gunn Original oak-aged beer. It’s one of those sublime products that makes one suspect there is a higher power who cares deeply about one’s alcoholic needs—much like Broker’s Gin. I did check my local government booze shop the other day, incidentally, to see if Broker’s was there yet…but it’s not. But I know that with you back in the game the precious elixir can’t be far now. Ahhhh!

Be well, Julia! I missed you very much and honestly thought I was going to surprise you with a letter…but here you are, you’ve beat me to it.

Cuddles,

LB 

INNIS & GUNN ORIGINAL OAK-AGED BEER really is superb—enough to warrant its own review, written soberly. So that might take a while, but it is percolating between my two brain cells.

In the meantime, especially for you Canadians hanging on every new BROKER’S GIN post to find out when we can expect this ambrosia back in government stores, stay tuned.

Dear dad—buy some liquor

I sent my dad a chat message today but he didn’t answer it. Maybe he’ll check his email or Facebook or the blog—or maybe he’ll hear me crying. Or maybe not. So I’m writing him an open letter.

▪ ▪ ▪

Hi dad, I know you think I’m too drunk to pay attention but guess what—I know you changed jobs and that things are going to change at LBHQ. Have you considered upgrading our liquor budget yet?

I know running your own business has been a wild ride, but I haven’t enjoyed its feast-or-famine aspect. Whenever you and mum say you have to wait for clients to pay you before you can spend any “silly” money, I just feel misunderstood. Surely you know that liquor spending is not frivolous—that for physiologically addicted bears it is a necessity, and that the animal keening from wherever the kids abandoned him on the floor after practically ripping him a new orifice while completely oblivious to his delirium tremens is your friend LB.

So let’s get serious. The liquor cabinet is in an embarrassing state. Mere drops of Malibu remain, and medical friends have advised us not to drink the worm-polluted mescale (although I would if I could get the bottle open).

I sent you a proper list but I haven’t heard back from you. Mum gave me some very unsatisfactory answers, and even suggested that dentistry should precede a booze spree. (I thought we hated dentists.) I realize you are excited about other aspects of your new job such as getting to know your team and organizing that big project they sent you right away, but seriously, dad, have a little compassion and buy some booze.

Here’s a touching picture to help you get your empathy flowing. 

Medo the bear plays with a family dog in Slovenia. Photo: Reuters

Tame that New Year’s hangover! 12 ideas for before, during and after your celebration

Go ahead, call me irresponsible, but I’m already planning my New Year’s hangover. And if planning to lose control (“I’m gonna get so trashed, man”) smacks of high school, well then, you flatter me, because no school would take my furry ass. I’m an ignoramus.

Except where getting drunk is concerned. Here, then, is some arguably misguided expertise on how to deal with the aftermath of New Year.

Preemptive Steps:

If I weren't furry this would really sting.

Rub some lemon under your armpits.

  • Say what? Just chop up a lemon (or lime) and squeeze the juice into your pits. Apparently they do this in Puerto Rico before getting hammered.
  • Reliable? Sure—at making you lemony fresh.
  • Verdict? Conceived by a sadist proffering the advice to friends with freshly shaved pits. D-

Eat before drinking.

  • Say what? Fill your tummy with an absorbent meal. Make it a proper one; pouring tequila on top of a greasy snack guarantees indigestion.
  • Reliable? Too sensible to be true, methinks.
  • Verdict? For solid-food eaters, it sounds like a plan. B+

Tripe Soup.

  • Say what? OMG, I can’t say it again.
  • Reliable? Both preventive and restorative, it’s a reputed Turkish panacea for excessive drinking.
  • Verdict? Unknown (and do me a favor, peeps, don’t tell me if you try it).

While Drinking:

Stick with one alcohol type.

  • Say what? When you mix your drinks you load your body up with a vast array of flavors and additives, taxing your body’s ability to process the alcohol.
  • Reliable? Solid advice, but a little boring.
  • Verdict? For responsible types this is a go. B+

Clear is good.

Choose clear booze (vodka/gin) over dark (whiskey/dark rum).

  • Say what? Darker alcohol types have more congeners, which make for worse hangovers.
  • Reliable? Studies show dark liquors such as brandy cause the worst hangovers, followed in descending order by red wine, rum, whiskey, white wine, gin and vodka.
  • Verdict? Vodka looks good but so does bourbon. B

Ease up on the fizz.

  • Say what? Carbonation hastens delivery of alcohol through your system.
  • Reliable? YEAH! Pass the champers. Oh wait—if you’re avoiding getting drunk you’ll want to moderate your champagne consumption.
  • Verdict? Save the bubbly for midnight. B+

Maintain hydration.

  • Say what? Alcohol makes you pee, and you need to replace that water. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic beverages.
  • Reliable? Basic science.
  • Verdict? OMG, you’ll really have to pee if you drink water too! You’ll be in and out of the stall all evening. B-

The Morning After:

Hair of the Buffalo—drink some Buffalo Milk.

  • Say what? No, you don’t have to handle any buffalo teats. Buffalo Milk is the name of a Namibian ice cream float made with ice cream, dark rum, cream liqueur, spiced rum and whole cream. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a hangover to justify drinking that.
  • Reliable? The hair of the dog is classic. Getting tipsy without getting blitzed will ease you out of your rough state into happy mode again. The hair of the buffalo goes one step further, fortifying you with rich cream and sugar.
  • Verdict? A good reason to drag yourself to life on New Year’s Day. B+

Cucumber juice with salt.

  • Say what? You have to juice a cucumber, add salt to the juice and knock it back.
  • Reliable? This Russian remedy may be vodka-specific. I’ll have to drink more vodka and research it.
  • Verdict? I’ve no idea how much salt to use, and the juicer makes a loud noise. C

Sheep lungs and owl eggs.

  • Say what? The ancient Romans swore by this après-toga party remedy.
  • Reliable? Picturing myself aloft in the claws of an angry owl, I very much doubt it.
  • Verdict? If you’re energetic enough to disembowel a sheep and wrest an owl’s eggs away from it for breakfast, you’re not hungover. C-

Bloody Mary.

realgirlskitchen.com

  • Say what? Replenish your alcohol levels while hydrating yourself with nourishing tomato juice and celery.
  • Reliable? You gotta know it.
  • Verdict? A+

Rabbit dropping tea.

  • Say what? Back in the wild west, cowboys put rabbit pellets in their tea the morning after tying one on.
  • Reliable? I don’t see too many cowboys drinking tea. This might be apocryphal.
  • Verdict? Rabbits are pretty generous with their droppings, so it wouldn’t be too hard to try. You go first… D-