Of all the reasons to beat up on Corona beer, virality isn’t one

My fellow inebriates,

Today’s contribution to health/media literacy…

COVID-19 coronavirus Corona beer
A virus that’s taken the world by storm A garbage beer that’s losing market share because of name-brand association
Countermeasure: hand-washing Countermeasure: lime to hide the taste
Strength: usually mild; stronger if you’re older Strength: usually mild; stronger if you have 10
Symptoms: sore throat, fever, shortness of breath Symptoms: bad taste in mouth

Despite such helpful distinctions, Corona continues to be maligned for all the wrong reasons.

C2015 Corona vs Heinekin

Lest we heap scorn on people for being turned off Corona beer not because it’s crappy swill but because of name-brand association, remember the fate of Ayds candy. Some people think Corona should change its name.

That said, if you put a Corona in front of me (and opened it for me), I would drink it.

What do you think Corona should change its name to?

Dad, where’s the beer?

My fellow inebriates,

You should see the amazing beer fridges that have popped up in our neighbourhood this week.

Even Miss P made one.

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Well, she started making one.

And Miss V made a snow gerbil.

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My question is, where is the beer to put in these fridges, and how do we guard that beer from this red-eyed gerbil?

Dad?

INNIS & GUNN TOASTED OAK IPA—not just for me and my dad!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Usually my dad and I get to bogart all the India Pale Ale that enters LBHQ. My mother’s marshmallow tastebuds can’t tolerate IPA’s “earwax and elastic band” topnotes and she has no comprehension of how symphonic a good IPA can be. So when my dad brought home INNIS & GUNN TOASTED OAK IPA, I thought we’d be safe from sharing with her. Together we could drink in peace and scratch ourselves as much as we liked.

Innis & Gun Toasted Oak IPABoy, was I wrong. Not only did Mum like INNIS & GUNN TOASTED OAK IPA; she bellied up to the counter with us and took half of our precious beer! Then she proceeded to marvel about the lack of earwax and elastic bands, the appetizing crystal-gold pour, the complexly hoppy aroma, the delicious toasty taste with buttery golden-rum asides, the refreshing mouthfeel, and the lingering bitter finish! OMG, my fellow inebriates, why didn’t my dad buy twice as much INNIS & GUNN TOASTED OAK IPA? Then we could have at least knocked my mum out (or wait—maybe not … only 5.6 percent alcohol).

Lest you think Dad and I don’t like Mum—it’s not really like that. We just like keeping all the IPA for ourselves. Dad and I (and Scarybear) take the IPA down to the movie room and watch action movies, knowing she won’t go anywhere near us or our beer. We thought we had a good plan with INNIS & GUNN TOASTED OAK IPA! We had Transformers: Age of Extinction all lined up! And suddenly there she was with us, suggesting we open a second bottle and discuss books or something. OMG!

Weirdly enough, though, the more INNIS & GUNN TOASTED OAK IPA we drank, the more my mum started to seem okay—after all, she was being liberal with the bottle opener. And so I thought, too bad for Scarybear and the Transformers movie, but having a couple of IPAs with my parents ain’t that bad.

And then the kids came charging out of their room, seized me from the counter, and dressed me up like a superhero.

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And that, my fellow inebriates, was the last sip for me of INNIS & GUNN TOASTED OAK IPA.