The freaky turtle that’s even more endangered than Latitude 50 White at our house

My fellow inebriates,

LBHQ has always been a perilous place. Look at the way Glen Bear just vanished one day. Look at what a bully Scarybear is (although he’s mellowing with age). Look at these freaking gerbils shredding a Glenlivet box like it’s nothing. OMG, people, it’s terrifying to live here.

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I think about this a lot when I’m sober. What if one of the kids got tired of me and threw me in the gerbil tank? I’d be dead within a few hours. Slowly dead, that is. They’d probably gnaw on my eyes.

I started feeling extra-endangered today when I read about the Mary River turtle, this punkass reptile that just landed on the endangered list. It has a mohawk made of algae, freaky-looking spikes growing out of its chin, and get this—it breathes through its genitals.

This awesome weirdo animal is apparently pretty easy to get along with. Just like yours truly, it’s probably not that good at looking out for itself, especially after a few drinks. (How would it ingest those, I wonder?)

 

Like many news items about plants and animals threatened with extinction, there’s not much in the way of a call to action. Across the planet, creatures are winking out of existence. What the hell can we do?

Latitude 50Even though I know the answer isn’t to drink a bottle of GRAY MONK LATITUDE 50 white wine, it’s the only thing I can think of right now. This wine is a light and refreshing blend of Gewurtztraminer, Bacchus, Riesling and Muller-Thurgau. It’s off-dry and pear-coloured, perfect for a sunny day, and has only 11.9% alcohol. It’s delicious chilled, and Gray Monk recommends salads and poultry as accompaniments (not turtle). Every time we get a bottle of this wine it vanishes.

Let’s hope that punky-looking turtle doesn’t vanish. That’s what we’re toasting (not roasting) tonight.

 

WreckSpex Zebra wood

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Lagavulin 8 Year Old—Destroyed by Cocoa the Gerbil

OMG, my fellow inebriates. I glanced at the gerbil tank (which I rarely do because I’m terrified of the gerbils’ ability to chew and shred). And what did I see?

Cocoa with Laguvulin box

It was Cocoa the Gerbil, villainously gnawing on the box that used to contain LAGAVULIN 8 YEAR OLD 200TH ANNIVERSARY WHISKY. Where did he get that box??? And where was the bottle?

lagavulin_8yoIn a panic I ransacked the kitchen looking for the bottle. Surely it had to be there, with the two inches I remembered of smoky, peaty yet round and buttery not to mention complex whisky. OMG, where was it? Under the sink I went looking for at least an EMPTY bottles from which to inhale the tarry, honey-roasted, briny dregs. But the recycling had gone out days before, apparently with my precious Lagavulin.

This was unforgivable. Not just because my dad and his friend R had finished it, but because Cocoa was now having his way with the box! I’m terrified of Cocoa at the best of times, and here he was lording it over me that my beloved whisky had been drained.

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Photo courtesy of Miss V

What the hell was I doing while Dad and R inhaled its sublime smoky yet fruit-forward notes, then sampled its gently charry, burnt-sugar flavour with its hints of licorice and seaweed followed by a baking-spice kick? WHAT WAS I DOING?!!

I was avoiding Cocoa, that’s what. My dad has finally found an effective guard for his liquor. As long as that gerbil tank stands between me and the kitchen, all booze is off limits.

 

FEENEY’S IRISH CREAM—For breakfast, while being watched

My fellow inebriates,

I promised you a sob story revealing why my typists (aka Mum and Dad) have left me to twiddle my thumbless paws for over a year now while my blog wallows in the lowest reader stats it’s ever seen.

But then I had breakfast (aka FEENEY’S IRISH CREAM), which had been lurking in the back of the fridge since Christmas. Obviously my mum was the last tippler, because the top was barely on (she has no idea how to close anything; either it’s barely on or it’s hopelessly misthreaded and you have to bash it against the sink to get it open). Anyway, it was my mum’s incompetence that enabled my miraculous Feeney’s breakfast.

An odd breakfast, you say?

feeneys-2You wouldn’t say that if it was in a morning coffee on New Year’s Day, would you? Then it would be okay. Or if you were camping. If you’re camping anything goes! To further make my case, I had no idea what date it was today. For all I knew, it could have been New Year’s Day. I don’t pay attention to calendars. So I slipped the top off the Feeney’s, inserted a straw, and…OMG, my fellow inebriates, what a yummy breakfast! You have to try this, people. Never mind what day it is. I suggest doing it just because it’s a day.

A 750mL bottle of Feeney’s sells at our local booze store for $20.99. That’s $6 less than the more famous Bailey’s Original Irish Cream. So how does it compare?

If you ask my dad, who immediately noted the price difference, he’ll say Feeney’s has nothing on Bailey’s. Ask my mum, presumably responsible for the half-bottle’s worth missing before I discovered it for breakfast, and she’ll say it’s practically identical. Made with cream and aged Irish whisky, Feeney’s is rich and luxurious, smooth and slightly chocolatey. Perhaps it tastes different (better?) than Bailey’s—but who knows? I’d have to urge my parents to buy both at once, and that’s about as likely as an asteroid hitting the house. Nope, the holiday season is over, and we probably won’t see either beverage until next winter.

2016-12-17-09-41-57Totally aside, but just to give you a small update of what’s been going on at LBHQ, while I consumed my delicious Feeney’s breakfast, I was observed by GERBILS. Yes, for the past 13 months, gerbils have been living with us. They reside in a gigantic glass tank in the dining room. At first I was afraid they would make similar fridge forays to mine and finish off the booze before I could, but then I realized they’re confined to their tank. My dad says they don’t feel confined because the tank is huge, but hey—who knows what they’re thinking? (Except Miss V, who can channel them.)

To be frank, I’m a little jealous of them, because when we first got them my mum said: “Wow, it’s great having animals in the house. They’re so animated, aren’t they, LB?”

And then she said to the kids, “Make sure you never put LB in the gerbil tank. If you do, they’ll chew him up in no time flat.”

OMG!!!