OMG, my fellow inebriates. I glanced at the gerbil tank (which I rarely do because I’m terrified of the gerbils’ ability to chew and shred). And what did I see?
It was Cocoa the Gerbil, villainously gnawing on the box that used to contain LAGAVULIN 8 YEAR OLD 200TH ANNIVERSARY WHISKY. Where did he get that box??? And where was the bottle?
In a panic I ransacked the kitchen looking for the bottle. Surely it had to be there, with the two inches I remembered of smoky, peaty yet round and buttery not to mention complex whisky. OMG, where was it? Under the sink I went looking for at least an EMPTY bottles from which to inhale the tarry, honey-roasted, briny dregs. But the recycling had gone out days before, apparently with my precious Lagavulin.
This was unforgivable. Not just because my dad and his friend R had finished it, but because Cocoa was now having his way with the box! I’m terrified of Cocoa at the best of times, and here he was lording it over me that my beloved whisky had been drained.
What the hell was I doing while Dad and R inhaled its sublime smoky yet fruit-forward notes, then sampled its gently charry, burnt-sugar flavour with its hints of licorice and seaweed followed by a baking-spice kick? WHAT WAS I DOING?!!
I was avoiding Cocoa, that’s what. My dad has finally found an effective guard for his liquor. As long as that gerbil tank stands between me and the kitchen, all booze is off limits.
My fellow inebriates,
I promised you a sob story revealing why my typists (aka Mum and Dad) have left me to twiddle my thumbless paws for over a year now while my blog wallows in the lowest reader stats it’s ever seen.
But then I had breakfast (aka FEENEY’S IRISH CREAM), which had been lurking in the back of the fridge since Christmas. Obviously my mum was the last tippler, because the top was barely on (she has no idea how to close anything; either it’s barely on or it’s hopelessly misthreaded and you have to bash it against the sink to get it open). Anyway, it was my mum’s incompetence that enabled my miraculous Feeney’s breakfast.
An odd breakfast, you say?
You wouldn’t say that if it was in a morning coffee on New Year’s Day, would you? Then it would be okay. Or if you were camping. If you’re camping anything goes! To further make my case, I had no idea what date it was today. For all I knew, it could have been New Year’s Day. I don’t pay attention to calendars. So I slipped the top off the Feeney’s, inserted a straw, and…OMG, my fellow inebriates, what a yummy breakfast! You have to try this, people. Never mind what day it is. I suggest doing it just because it’s a day.
A 750mL bottle of Feeney’s sells at our local booze store for $20.99. That’s $6 less than the more famous Bailey’s Original Irish Cream. So how does it compare?
If you ask my dad, who immediately noted the price difference, he’ll say Feeney’s has nothing on Bailey’s. Ask my mum, presumably responsible for the half-bottle’s worth missing before I discovered it for breakfast, and she’ll say it’s practically identical. Made with cream and aged Irish whisky, Feeney’s is rich and luxurious, smooth and slightly chocolatey. Perhaps it tastes different (better?) than Bailey’s—but who knows? I’d have to urge my parents to buy both at once, and that’s about as likely as an asteroid hitting the house. Nope, the holiday season is over, and we probably won’t see either beverage until next winter.
Totally aside, but just to give you a small update of what’s been going on at LBHQ, while I consumed my delicious Feeney’s breakfast, I was observed by GERBILS. Yes, for the past 13 months, gerbils have been living with us. They reside in a gigantic glass tank in the dining room. At first I was afraid they would make similar fridge forays to mine and finish off the booze before I could, but then I realized they’re confined to their tank. My dad says they don’t feel confined because the tank is huge, but hey—who knows what they’re thinking? (Except Miss V, who can channel them.)
To be frank, I’m a little jealous of them, because when we first got them my mum said: “Wow, it’s great having animals in the house. They’re so animated, aren’t they, LB?”
And then she said to the kids, “Make sure you never put LB in the gerbil tank. If you do, they’ll chew him up in no time flat.”
I almost winked out of existence yesterday.
My parents had neglected to renew my domain name. In the face of I-don’t-know-how-many renewal notices from WordPress, they were vacillating about whether I should continue my blog.
Of course I was pissed! (Pissed angry as opposed to pissed pissed.) When I asked them why (“Why, dammit? Why?!”) they said things like, “Well, you haven’t really blogged since April” and, “You seem to have lost your mojo, LB.”
Let’s take these one at a time.
I have paws. I do not have fingers. So I need a typist. And my typists have been screwing around. They say they are too busy working to do my typing, but DO I SEE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BEING NEWLY ALLOCATED FOR ALCOHOL?
I most certainly do not, my fellow inebriates. In fact, this item showed up in our house last week:
My mother purchased it for $7.79 at our (also neglected) booze shop, where—get this—she said to the consultant: “I need half a cup of wine to make Chicken Parmesan but, let’s face it, I’m going to drink the rest of the bottle when I’m done. What’s the cheapest tolerable white here? Is this COPPER MOON stuff drinkable?”
After attempting to lead my mother to the Italian wine section and urging her toward something $5 more expensive, then resignedly following my mother back to the Canadian plonk section while no doubt listening to all kinds of justifications for drinking 625 ml of wine just because you need to dump 125 ml into a questionable cooking experiment and that’s what’s left over, the consultant sighed and agreed that COPPER MOON PINOT GRIGIO would be inoffensive if lacking in interest. Which was acceptable to my mother.
So how was the wine then?
Actually pretty good. COPPER MOON PINOT GRIGIO is crisp yet heavily redolent of pear, citrus and other orchardy notes. It’s unexpectedly light and decidedly un-cloying. While the flavours could play a bit better together, they don’t hit any really off notes, and at 12.5 percent alcohol, this wine is a good selection if you’re planning to pound it while you’re pounding chicken.
I would like to diss my mother here some more, but she actually stopped at one glass, which means we have over half a bottle left in the fridge. What did you say, my readers? “Sounds like breakfast?”
This wine is cheap as hell and doesn’t punish you for it.
Where the hell is all the MONEY my parents are supposedly earning when they could be typing for yours truly?
“Well, you know, the kids have dance and gymnastics and band and we have pets to feed and clothes to buy and conferences to attend and blah blah blah. All that stuff costs money, LB.”
Okay, so my parents’ priorities suck. On to the next issue:
Well, you would too, wouldn’t you? Imagine having your liquor budget ripped away and then spending months on pins and needles wondering whether your blog will be renewed and knowing that, even if it is, you’re dependent on humans with opposable thumbs to do your damn typing. You might say, F*&k that! I’m going to stare at the wall for half a year!
Anyway, that’s what happened. I guess I did lose my mojo, people. Thankfully there’s half a bottle of COPPER MOON PINOT GRIGIO in the fridge to help me get it back.
Over the next few weeks I will be talking about all the blah blah blah that has eroded my hard-drinking lifestyle and, by extension, this blog. It will break your hearts, my fellow inebriates.