My  Fellow Inebriates,

Once again, because my typist is fucking me over of a curious confluence of star clusters, nebulae, and other drivel, you get an abbreviated reading consolidating the star signs and giving you no proper guidance for the week ahead (or at least five days of it, because this horoscope is late).

Wow! You’re thinking: That’s awesome. LB’s readings are usually so thorough and spot-on that they freak me out. I’d much rather have this vague analysis of ALL SIGNS TOGETHER so I don’t have to hide this week or invest all my money in some email-based Ugandan network-marketing scheme and/or artisanal gin collection.

All you really need to know this week, MFI, is that Mars, that shit-disturbing, bar-fighting planet, is in several aspects with our planet. I don’t know what the hell that means therefore urge you to stay away from knives, guns, tools, Home Depot, and any Martha Stewart–inspired crafts involving hot glue. You don’t want those kinds of weapons on you this week, because Mars is all about fucking your shit up. This is an excellent week to stay AWAY from bars lest you stumble into a fight. I know, I know…that seems counterintuitive, but think about it, MFI: you can buy at least three times the alcohol at the liquor store that you could in a bar. Here’s what to shop for:

Aries:

Grey Goose and Alize Bleu liqueur. Maybe some cranberry juice to go with it, but only if you have a urinary tract infection.

Taurus:

Bacardi Big Apple and butterscotch schnapps. Whatever you do, don’t dissolve a bag of gummy bears in the rum. (Why would you?)

Gemini:

If you’re going to stay home, take the time to make something interesting. Vodka with fresh lemon, freshly ground pepper, olives, and soda.

Cancer:

Stock up on obscure liqueurs with all that cash you save by not going to the bar. Do you have Midori Melon and Leblon Cachaca? No?? However do you drink gingerale without those things?

Leo:

Of all the signs you will have the biggest urge to go to the bar and punch someone. Make yourself a silly drink instead: Malibu, Stoli, and Midori Melon with whipped cream in a hollowed-out pineapple. Will concocting that increase or decrease your frustration?

Virgo:

You are at moderate risk for scurvy. Solution: orange vodka with orange juice and soda. Or just orange vodka.

Libra:

Here’s a weird one for you. Brandy (carefully) blended up with grapefruit juice, honey, and an egg. Sounds like a damn fine breakfast.

Scorpio:

Tequila is still working for you, Scorpio. This time mix it with Kahlua and add enough half-and-half to turn it sort of a Scarybear hue.

Sagittarius:

Spiced rum, Blue Curacao, and Squirt. No worries.

Capricorn:

I know I said no tools but you need the blender…so be very careful. Vodka, Blue Curacao, raspberry schnapps, melon liqueur, and margarita mix. DON’T STICK YOUR HAND IN WHILE IT’S RUNNING! THAT’S THE PLANET MARS TRYING TO GET YOU TO DO THAT. DON’T LET THE PLANET MARS MESS WITH YOU!

Aquarius:

Chill out with some Cachaca. You don’t even need to combine it with anything.

Pisces:

My neighbors still have a pumpkin sitting on their porch. Do you have neighbors like that? Take the pumpkin, hollow it out, and put some rum, gingerale, and apple cider in it. Party for one (until the cops come).