Month: November 2012

Our own Irish (well, actually Canadian) Cream—at one-third the price of store-bought! (And YOU can do it too!)

Check it out, my fellow inebriates. With roughly $33 worth of simple ingredients, we’re going to make almost 3 litres of dreamy Irish Canadian cream liqueur. Yes!

Okay, so typically we wouldn’t get all the ingredients ready like this. My mum would be more likely to begin a recipe, then run around the kitchen looking for ingredients she didn’t bother reading about, all the while cursing whatever’s burning, only to realize we’re out of whatever she needs. But today we got organized. After all, this is a documentary of sorts.

The Recipe

  • 8.75 oz milk chocolate chips (call it a rounded cup)
  • 1 shot espresso
  • 750 mL whisky (that’s 3 cups to you imperialists)
  • 2 cans condensed milk
  • 2 cans evaporated milk
  • 2.5 cups whipping cream

Can you believe it? That’s it! In fact, the only complicated part of this whole deal is getting the chocolate chips to melt nicely. If you don’t have a double boiler (and who does?), just put a smaller saucepan inside a larger one partly filled with water. Get the water gently boiling, then simmer it, making sure the water won’t go apeshit-splashy into the small saucepan. Put the chocolate chips and the espresso shot inside the little saucepan and stir as they melt. Mmmmm!

Meanwhile, get a bowl like our big pink one and pour the whisky into it. (Usually we make cookies and cakes in the big pink bowl, which makes the kids come running, and today was no exception. They loved making Canadian cream liqueur.)

Once the chocolate is melted and well stirred (no lumps), pour it into the whisky, whisking it up immediately so it doesn’t get a chance to harden. You’ll probably get a few little chips at the bottom, but most of the chocolate should become happily suspended in the whisky. It will look like the Exxon Valdez spill at first, then like diarrhea. Don’t worry, you’re doing it right.

Empty all four cans into the bowl and whisk everything up. The mixture will lighten pleasantly.

Pour the whipping cream in. This is the AHA! moment when you realize it looks just like the store-bought stuff. Just like it, people!

Whisk the mixture to ensure the color is uniform. Then…do you have a container ready?

Our branding/packaging is still incomplete, so we’re using this 4 L milk jug for the next two weeks while our Canadian Cream mellows. We’ll give it a shake every day, look longingly at it, sniff it…and after two weeks have passed torturously by, we’re going to pound it. Ahhh!

Almost forgot: store-bought Irish cream goes for $55 per 1.75 L. Our yield is 2.85 L for $33! OMG, making your own is one-third the cost of buying it!

Review in T minus two weeks, so save the date, MFI 😉

Canadian Cream—DENIED

 

Front label…check.

Back label…check.

Product…FAIL.

My mum picked up some mysterious stomach bug at the ladies’ church group she accidentally infiltrated. Celestial payback? Maybe so, but what did I do to deserve this, my fellow inebriates?

Barfing and sleeping, she basically ignored anything a bear could say. “We’ve got to start the cook!” “The cream is fresh now!” “Wake up, we have to cook!” “Is it OK if I operate the stove by myself?”

Ah, but you know I am totally chickenshit about the stove. So…we wait.

ASTROLIQUOR for November 16-22—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have to toil this week to overcome your workplace image as a gin-soaked barbarian. Try on some business-speak. If coworkers don’t laugh, go with it. The less comprehensible you are, the more success you’ll enjoy. Naturally, alcohol will help with this. Change up your flask with some peach brandy. BTW, don’t go into the supply closet with Virgos or Libras.

Taurus, the stars advise you to air your opinions openly. Nobody can stand a douchebag who mentions after the fact that they knew something all along but were too polite to say so. Don’t be a douche! You have far too much Pisco sloshing around your head to think about diplomacy or tact. Friends, family, and colleagues will thank you for your honesty.

Someone is attempting to control you, Gemini. Wish them luck; you are far too elusive to be trapped in someone else’s plans. Meanwhile your workplace has turned into a circus. With the holidays mere weeks away you can’t even feign a work ethic, so you might as well pack the Absolut Kurant in your briefcase.

Cancer, your insight is growing about work, relationships, and finance. You’re realizing what you excel at, and what you suck at. You’re seeing the interplay of various players in all spheres of life—and getting ready to play them off each other. Sounds devious. You’ll need large quantities of tequila.

Leo, you may feel busy, but you’re actually doing a lot of dog-f#cking. Be careful; you are in an important creative life phase, and you’ll never recoup the time you waste. Yes, the stars are saying you should act like a grown-up. For this and many other reasons, you should probably not mix this up:

  • 2 cups red wine
  • 2 cups Coke
  • 2 cups orange juice
  • Multiple shots of peach schnapps

Romantic feelings threaten to get the better of you, Virgo, as the object does not share them. Shift your focus elsewhere, stalker! And don’t even think about venting your pent-up frustration on a third party. Good grief, that’s what Irish whisky is for: burying nuisance emotions. Add some interest with a splash of Irish Mist and some porn.

Libra, you’ll experience a creative spurt along with some general horniness. Together these will distract you from everyday life, turning your workplace productivity into a widely shared joke while sending you off on all kinds of personal ass-seeking tangents. All very tiring, Libra, so you’ll need some brisk, citrus refreshment:

  • 5 oz citrus liqueur
  • Juice of three lemons
  • 1 oz triple sec
  • 1 oz raspberry liqueur

You should probably enjoy this after work, but since you’re struggling to get anything done there, it’s your call.

You have a boner for mysteries, Scorpio, as well as speculations about higher planes and the universe’s secrets. This is an excellent week for plunging into the paranormal. If you wanted to investigate haunted bears, for instance, I could certainly send you one. When the occult gets boring, it’s time to scope out potential partners for some quick intimacy. (Saturday looks best.) The stars say (bitchily) not to be picky, but they are just idiotic balls of exploding gas. Be very picky. You deserve the best. Start every morning with one of these:

  • 1 oz Irish (or Canadian) cream
  • 1 oz Malibu
  • 1 oz whisky

Sagittarius, the small things are making you happy this week: glinting sunlight, your morning java, the sound of birdsong. This is creeping some of your friends out. They are used to the more manic you—the one whose mood hinges on the level of bourbon in your bloodstream. Ignore these detractors for the time being. When you get bored with nature you can always go back to them.

The stars promise a power week, Capricorn. How awesome! Push yourself to the limits mentally and physically. Rev up your stress levels by leaving late for all engagements. Stay up late every night, then go apeshit at the bar on Saturday. I see you reeling around with some cheap Canadian whisky. Yeah!

Aquarius, pay lots of attention to a sick friend this week. Vodka and Red Bull never eventuate in good health, and chances are the combo was your idea. Assuage your guilt, then attend to your workplace situation. You are being watched—surveilled, really— by coworkers with bad intentions. Oh, wait…that’s just paranoia from the vodka and Red Bull. Your colleagues aren’t out to get you; they just think you’re lazy.

Pisces, your mind continues to wander. Brilliant inventions and screenplay ideas occur to you all day long. This makes you very entertaining to any colleagues who don’t actually rely on your workflow. Still, you might want keep something odorless like vodka in your flask. Watch out for saboteurs, especially flirtatious ones.