Day: November 14, 2011

MovieBoozer

I may look a little spaced out, but I look even more so positioned in front of a big-screen plasma TV. Add a little liquor and my eyes take on a magical, glassy sheen.

I love watching the screen. And if my movie pick is good, I’m happily distracted enough to nurse my beer. But if it sucks—and every so often my Netflix pick is a real rotter—my  furry head drifts to the liquor cabinet. I do a mental inventory of what’s in it and what I can fix myself (is there a cocktail based on Malibu, apple-flavored rum, and mescal?) and I wonder if that will solve the problem of a bad movie.

Turns out I’m not the only animal to have thought of this. MovieBoozer, an “International Network of Volunteeers, Movie Buffs, and Lushes” is dedicated to measuring movies by the pint. The logic goes, the better the movie, the less alcohol it requires as an accompaniment. The worse the movie, the more booze you need to tolerate it.

This is similar to the way I get better-looking the more you drink. My friend-who-is-a-girl-and-threatened-to-beat-me-if-I-used-the-word-girlfriend Dolly says I’m a six-pack. MovieBoozer says that about Troll 2 and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

The best part about MovieBoozer is the drinking game it conceives for each movie it reviews. Take The King’s Speech, for instance. You can choose from two game options:

  1. Drink whenever Colin Firth stutters.
  2. Drink whenever Colin Firth utters a full sentence without stuttering.

I modified this game slightly by adhering to version #1 during the first hour and version #2 during the second. I know, I know, it’s a GREAT film and therefore deserves only a one-beer rating, but it’s a rare film I’ll watch without emptying a half-sack.

I guess if MovieBoozer ever wants a guest review from me, they’ll have to introduce a 12-beer category.

Check it out, my fellow inebriates 🙂

Monday morning pick-me-up

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’m a big fan of Drinks Mixer, so I often find myself there on Monday morning looking for a pick-me-up. The question is, am I going to acquire any gin anytime soon?

You see, the random drink function on Drinks Mixer has commanded me to fix myself a Dick Cheney shooter. Now, this is a relatively new drink, originated by ShotDrinks.com eponymously after a certain hunting incident in the US, and containing these ingredients:

  • 1 part gin
  • 1 part lemon lime soda
  • 1/2 part rum
  • splash grenadine

Instructions say to use just enough grenadine to give the drink a reddish tint, not make it as “red as the blood that Dick Cheney inflicted on his hunting partner.” Ouch!

I don’t have any grenadine, so my drink—should my gin arrive today—is going to be bloodless, which is fine, because blood really, really freaks me out. Also, I don’t have a clue who Dick Cheney is. I’m just a bear, after all.

I spent a few minutes trying to contact him this morning but learned he is uncontactable (is that like “unaccountable”?). I thought, if I managed to get hold of him, I would ask him to send me some gin. But then I started worrying that he might have some bear-hunting experience and come after me. I would probably be easier to hit than a quail but slightly more difficult than Harry Whittington.

I started worrying about bears getting shot, then, and went ahead and resorted to drinking leftover Malibu, my fallback in a household where liquor shopping is not sufficiently prioritized and my cries for spirits go heedless. And through the Malibu blur I started wondering how I could help animals, especially animals staring down the barrel of a gun, punk animals who don’t feel so lucky. So I dicked around with my site a bit and learned that I could add a charity area that you guys can click on to support animals. I’m excited about being able to support the World Wildlife Fund, and I hope you’ll do your bit and click your support as well. Cheers, friends!